How to Survive Being a SI Employee
by Seito
Summary: While the top several floors belong to the Avengers, the rest of the building is still an industrial main-stay of Stark Industries. How do the employees cope with having superheroes in the same building with them? For starters, not very well. "Oh so first you break my computers, then you kill Alpha and now you break my assistant! What did I ever do you!" R
1. Step 1: Captain America should be near c

I own the plunny and the OCs.

Written for the Kinkmeme

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**Step 1: Captain America should be near computers alone. **

xXxXx**  
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First it should be said that Kit Cornet hated Captain America.

Oh she was thankful for that fact that he regularly saved the world with the Avengers and she possibly may have grown up fangirling about him as a child. Her father was a huge Captain America fan having heard the (true!) stories from her grandfather (his father). It might have rubbed off on her too. Bless her father's soul. She hadn't told him that the famous Captain was living above her in the building she worked at.

As for why she hated Captain America, it had started yesterday when she entered her office. Kit worked in the IT department of Stark Industries. She was the fastest coder they have; able to write, fix and take apart all different types of code in a matter of hours. While she wasn't as fast as JARVIS (personally she thought it was an honor to even have met the greatest AI in existence), she was also a decent hacker. Kit took great pride in her skills and honestly working at Stark Industries was a bit like a dream. The latest tech was at her fingertips. She couldn't ask for anything else. So it stood to reason then, that Kit was very fond of her computers.

Imagine her horror when she walked into her office to find Captain America in front of her precious babies who are flashing the blue screen of death and oh-my-god was that SMOKE?!

"WHAT HAPPENED?!" she shrieked, dropping her bags and cup of coffee to the floor. She rushed over to her computers and started to see if she could fix anything. Captain America was on the side, apologizing. Kit didn't hear him and instead threw him out.

"Alpha?" Kit asked hesitantly. Alpha was the pet AI Kit had created. While nowhere near as complex as JARVIS or even Dummy, Alpha had been in response to a challenge Mr. Stark had made. That was, one day Mr. Stark had decided to make the coffee machine sentient. The only way Kit could get coffee was to create an AI able to combat (read: annoy) the coffee machine AI. Since the coffee machine was no longer causing trouble, Alpha was more like a pet keeping her company. Alpha reminded her of appointments and deadlines, fetched email, said hello to her every morning and pointed out errors she made while programming.

There was no answer from Alpha. Instead her computers made a growing whirling noise. Kit looked in horror before she dove out of her office and slammed the door shut behind her. There was a loud BOOM that shook her lab. Kit peered back inside to find her computers had exploded into tiny pieces.

"My babies!"

xXxXx**  
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Steve wandered down into Tony's lab for two reasons. First his cellphone needed fixing and two he was feeling guilty about breaking that lady's equipment. He wanted to know her name so he could apologize. That would require looking at the employee's pictures, which required Tony's permission.

"Whatcha need Steve?" Tony asked, setting down his screwdriver.

Steve held out his cellphone, looking sheepishly. "Well, it's keeps saying something to me and I can't get it to stop." Ever since this morning, his phone would shriek at him every five minutes. Nothing Steve did could make it to stop. Short of breaking it into pieces at least, but it was given to him by Tony and Steve didn't want to break a gift.

Tony looked at him, amused. "Alright, let's have a look." He took the cellphone from Steve. "What is it saying?"

Before Steve could answer, the phone came alive screaming, "AI KILLER! AI KILLER!" Tony promptly dropped the phone and looked at Steve with horror.

"STEVE!" Tony shouted disbelief in his tone of voice. He didn't wait for Steve to defend himself. "JARVIS!"

"Yes sir?" JARVIS replied, his crisp British accent echoing through the room.

"Are you alright? Is Dummy and Butterfingers alright? Is everyone?" Tony fired off. Had his poor bots been hurt somehow?

"Everyone is accounted for, sir. They are fine," JARVIS reported back.

Not believing it, Tony glared at Steve.

"It wasn't my fault!" Steve protested.

"Who did you murder Steve?" Tony accused. "Was it Toasty the Toaster? Just because he snaps at you every time you try to make toast does not give you right to murder him!"

"But!"

"If I may, sir," JARVIS interrupted. "Mister Rogers made a detour into the IT department yesterday. I do not have full access to the security footage of the event." JARVIS didn't have full access to the lower levels, just the security cameras and computers because Tony didn't want his employees to feel as if Big Brother was watching. "But it seemed Mister Rogers managed to blow up Miss Cornet's lab yesterday."

"I got a message saying to check my email and it was the nearest computer," Steve babbled. "Then all of sudden there was this blue screen and smoke and she threw me out."

Tony just stared at Steve. "You killed Alpha?" he said incredulously.

"Alpha?" Steve asked, confused.

Tony rubbed his forehead. "Alpha was Kit's pet AI. You just murdered the pet of my best coder and hacker. She's probably a wreck right now."

Steve stared guilty at the floor. Tony sighed and patted Steve on the shoulder. "Come on big guy," he said, pushing Steve out the door. "Let's go fix this."

"How do we fix this?" Steve asked. Could JARVIS bring Alpha back? Like rebooting a computer?

"You're going to buy her flowers and her favorite dessert -apple turnovers by the way- then you're going to grovel for her forgiveness and offer your condolences," Tony instructed. "And I will buy her all new equipment for her lab and hold the funeral."

"Funeral?"

"You murdered her pet, Alpha and blew up her computers which are her babies. We're holding a damn funeral and you're going to be present."

"I really messed up didn't I?"

"You have no idea."

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	2. Step 2: Expect to run into famous people

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**Step 2: Expect to run into famous people**

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Veer Ravera was a fresh out of college student and an assistant lab tech to Kit Cornet. Working at Stark Industries, working with Kit Cornet was a dream came true. Kit while not as a big name as Tony Stark, was infamous as a coding genius and Veer knew several computer companies who were piss off as hell when Stark Industries snatched her up a few years ago. Veer should know; his father's company was one of them.

Why yes, working at Stark Industries is his way of saying 'SCREW YOU DAD!' Clinton Ravera was overbearing and almost oppressive in nature. He was an aggressive businessman and it spilt over into Veer's home life as well. It was what drove his mother to leave all those years ago.

That was why when Veer got the offer for a job at Stark Industries, he took it up in a heartbeat without even informing his father. So Veer had been at Stark Industries for a few months now and still getting use to working with Kit. To be honest though, he wasn't sure why she needed a lab tech assistant; an errand boy perhaps, but not an assistant. She possibly needed a nanny instead.

He had flipped on the light switch in their break room to find his boss still asleep at the table. Kit's long black hair was split across the table, before falling over the edge of the table. Her head was rested on the laptop she had stolen from another lab. Judging by her crumpled attire, she hadn't left since yesterday after her breakdown.

Veer wasn't sure what happened. All he knew was when he had shown up yesterday, Kit was a complete mess and he spent the rest of the day buying her favorite ice cream and apple turnovers. Kit had completely ignored him all day long, alternating between sobbing into a pillow and coding like it was the end of the world. If he had to guess, Veer believed it had to do with the fact that their lab had been completely destroyed. How? Veer didn't know.

"Mister Ravera?"

Veer jumped. "Who's there?" he yelped, looking around. No one had entered the room. Kit was still passed out.

"I am JARVIS, Mister Stark's personal AI. If you would be so kind to wake Miss Cornet and inform her that Mister Stark is sending up her new equipment."

"JARVIS?" Veer squeaked. The JARVIS? As in the greatest AI in existence? As in "Do not piss off if you want to keep your job" JARVIS?

"Yes?" JARVIS mechanical voice filled the room.

"No, no, I mean just..." Veer squeaked in an even higher pitch of tone. "Holy shit, I get to meet JARVIS. No one is gonna believe me! This is just awesome! I got meet JARVIS!" He had heard the rumors of JARVIS before coming to work at Stark Industries. Not many people knew of the AI much less had any concrete evidence of how JARVIS was created or worked. All Veer knew was that JARVIS was heralded as the greatest AI in all existence and Veer got to MEET HIM!

This was the best day ever.

"I agree JARVIS is awesome."

Veer jumped and turned around. "Mr. Stark!" Standing behind him, was the one and only Tony Stark. Veer clutched his heart. He wasn't sure if he could handle any more of this.

"In the flesh," Tony greeted. He set the box he was carrying down on the ground before brushing his gray suit smooth.

"I - You're -" Veer stammered. He peered behind Tony Stark to see a taller blond man carrying another four boxes. Holy shit was that Captain America standing behind Iron Man? How many people get to meet Tony fucking Stark, who was Iron man and his top boss, Captain America the living legend and JARVIS the greatest AI in existence?

Tony patted him on the shoulder. "Breathe kid." Veer squeaked again and promptly passed out on the floor but it went ignored as Tony went over and poked Kit awake. Steve on the other hand went to check on Veer.

"Go away," Kit moaned, swatting the hand that was poking her side.

"Is that any way to say hello to your wonderful boss who is replacing your equipment and has the cleaning crew cleaning out your lab?" Tony teased. "Now stop tormenting Steve."

It turned out that Kit didn't stop with just turning Steve's phone against him yesterday. Certain other things happened throughout the day like the sprinklers going off and lights flickered every time Steve got nearby.

Kit glared at Steve. "He killed Alpha!" she protested. Then she saw Veer passed out on the ground, next to Steve. "Oh so first you break my computers, then you kill Alpha and now you break my assistant! What did I ever do you?!"

"I didn't do anything!" Steve denied.

"Relax. Mr. Ravera just passed out from my awesomeness," Tony reassured. "Don't worry; we'll have a funeral for Alpha tomorrow. Your lab will be repaired in two days all with shiny new tech that you keep denying you should have -" "I'm the youngest coder!" "No you're not. Not anymore. That excuse became invalid a year after you were hired. Now stop tormenting Steve and listen to what he has to say."

Steve took that his cue to take out the flowers and the box of apple turnovers. "My condolences for your lost and I'm sorry for killing Alpha and breaking your computers?"

Kit stared at the box of apple turnovers. Then she stared at Tony. "Bribing me with a box of apple turnovers isn't going to make everything magically better."

"Steve will sign your grandpa's collection of vintage Captain America cards," Tony said in a sing song voice.

"How did- you know what never mind. Fine." Kit snatched the box of apple turnovers out of Steve's hands. "You're forgiven," she said. "Mostly. Now go away, both of you." She made a shooing motion with her hand. "I have ten months of work and research to redo."

Steve winced and felt twinge of guilt build up. Tony on the other hand, laughed and clapped Kit on the back. "Knowing you, Kit, you'll be done in a week."

He pushed Steve out of the lab to leave his favorite IT person alone. "I hate you!" Kit called out to them.

"No you don't!" Tony shouted back.

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	3. Step 3: Do not panic when being threaten

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**Step 3: Do not panic when being threaten by a mook.**

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Hotaru Yamashita held the honor of being the front desk secretary for all of Stark Industries/Avengers Tower. Her job was fairly simple, answer telephone calls, direct people to the right floor, provide information and greet everyone with a smile. Because she sat at the front desk, she well familiar with all the employees (which is impressive since there are over 2,000 employees in the building) as they enter and exit the building every day. She was also quite use to the coming and goings of the Avengers (when they choose to use the front door).

"Have a good run Mr. Rogers." There went Captain America out on his daily run. What a nice man. Steve never failed to greet her every morning he went out. Hotaru hoped her son would turn out just as sweet as him.

She stopped to reminisce about her son, Aero. He was growing up so fast.

"Good morning Miss Cornet," Hotaru greeted with a wave, snapping out of her daydream.

After Kit entered, a takeout delivery man entered into the lobby. "I have Chinese food for a Bruce Banner?" the man explained.

Hotaru held out her hands "I'll find someone to take to him. Hmm? Oh no, sorry you just don't have clearance to go up that high. Here's your payment. JARVIS?"

"Yes Mrs. Yamashita?"

"Could you inform Doctor Banner that his...," Hotaru paused her thought process to quietly ponder the meal in her hands. It was clear that Doctor Banner had ordered this under the assumption that it was still evening night and this was probably dinner. But since it was eight am in the morning… "That his breakfast is here? And ask what he would like to be done, if he wants it to be sent up or if he wants to come down for it?"

"Of course Mrs. Yamashita."

Hotaru also held the honor of being the only one to hold a front desk job with Stark Industries for the last twelve years. Mr. Stark insisted on transferring her to the new building upon its completion. Something Hotaru took up in a heartbeat if meant dealing less with one Obadiah Stane. She didn't like to speak ill of the dead, but there was something about that man that made her skin crawl.

She was digressing. Anyways, it wasn't that she felt she didn't need the help or that space didn't allow it. Actually there was room to fit at least three more people with her. On extremely busy days she really could use the help, but Hotaru had stopped putting in requests for an assistant seven years ago. Why? Well frankly she was sick and tired of getting an assistant, training them and then having them quit on her two weeks later.

It was a waste of time, a waste of resources and an extreme annoyance.

Like now.

"Take me to see Tony Stark." Hotaru looked to see a man dressed in dark clothing standing in front of her desk. His face was covered by a black ski mask, his voice muffled by the cloth. He hadn't wasted any time drawing his weapon (Smith & Wesson SW1911 Hotaru noted to herself) and pointing it straight at her.

To her credit, Hotaru didn't flinch. "Hello," she greeted. "Robbery or Revenge?"

The idiot faltered. "What?"

"Robbery or Revenge?" Hotaru repeated a tad slower this time. No need to openly mock the idiot.

"Does it matter?"

Hotaru's smile grew wider. "Yes, yes is does." By now, JARVIS had probably alerted someone, so Hotaru didn't feel alarmed or afraid by the situation. Honestly it was in her job description to deal with these kinds of things (well Mr. Stark was forced to add it after her third assistant quit citing it wasn't her job to deal with criminals threatening her).

"If you're here for a robbery, I'm authorized to give $10,000 dollars in unmarked bills as well as the keys to a getaway car on the condition that you leave the building without taking a hostage or hurting anyone. If you agree to this," Hotaru paused to look at her wristwatch. "You will have a ten minutes head start before the police arrive."

"And if I'm here for revenge?" the criminal asked.

Hotaru twisted her golden brown hair with her finger. "Then I need to know whom you are targeting for revenge so I can tell you which floor they are on, assuming they are even present in the building. Then I've been instructed to give you the first of ten keys."

She could practically see the look of confusion under that ski mask of his. "The first of ten keys?" the criminal repeated.

"Of course. The entire building goes into lockdown every time someone without an appointment walks through the door. This particular lockdown triggers many obstacles. Have you played video games before? Think of this as a puzzle dungeon. You know, the first keycard only lets you go up the first five floors, but first you have to go to the third floor to find the keycard that will let you up to tenth floor but nothing in between the fifth and the tenth. Problem is the next keycard is on the seventh floor. Simple things like that."

"Simple?" the criminal asked in disbelief.

"Alright, not simple. Some of the finest minds in history are gathered here in Stark Industries and no one has managed to solve it yet. I should know. For the last ten years Mr. Stark has held a contest with a prize of $1 million dollars to the SI employee who can solve it," Hotaru remarked in a bored tone. "I gave up trying three years ago. Never did find that second keycard."

"I don't underst-ARGHH!"

The criminal dropped to the ground, twitching as 10,000 volts pulsed through his body. Hotaru on the other hand, smiled and looked at the person who managed to taser the idiot criminal. "Good day, Agent Coulson."

"Mrs. Yamashita," Coulson greeted back. "Take this man away," he ordered the two SHIELD agents that were with him. The agents quickly scrambled forward, dragging the body away.

"Thank you for dealing with him Agent Coulson," Hotaru said, her smile growing wider.

Coulson on the other hand just stared at her for a brief moment. "How much of that was actually true?" he finally asked. On one had it seemed impossible that such a security system existed; on the other hand it was Stark.

Hotaru's smile didn't waver. "I'm not sure what you're talking about. Are you here to see Mr. Stark?"

Coulson didn't point out her change in subject. "Yes. I would appreciate if you or JARVIS didn't inform him so he'll have time to get away."

"Since you dealt with that idiot criminal, I won't tell him," Hotaru promised. "I cannot control JARVIS though."

JARVIS, spectacular timing as always, chimed in at the moment. "I'm sorry Agent Coulson. I have already informed Mister Stark of your arrival."

Coulson sighed. "That's alright JARVIS. It's to be expected."

"Oh! And if you would," Hotaru began. "Please drop off this Chinese food to Doctor Banner." She handed Coulson the box of takeout food.

Coulson just sighed again. "Have a good day, Mrs. Yamashita."

Hotaru waved as Coulson entered the elevator. "You too!" she called after. Once the doors closed and she was left alone in the lobby area, she sat down into her chair. Her smile vanished and she sighed.

She didn't get paid enough to deal with mooks every day.

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	4. Step 4: Beware the Almighty Janitor

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**Step 4: Beware the Almighty Janitor **

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Clint was lounging in the living room by himself. The other Avengers had gone their separate ways for the day. Coulson was at SHIELD filing paperwork no doubt. Steve was visiting some art exhibit. Tony had been dragged off to LA by Pepper. Natasha was still on her mission; she was scheduled to return sometime tomorrow. Bruce, Clint believed, was asleep in his lab and Thor had gone to visit Jane. All in all, it was looking to be a very quiet but boring afternoon.

Until JARVIS broke the silence. "Agent Barton," the AI addressed.

"What can I do for you JARVIS?" Clint asked instantly becoming alert.

"There is a robbery going on downstairs in the front lobby. Would you be able to assist?" JARVIS asked.

"Sure thing. I'll just grab my bow and head into the ducts," Clint said. Well at least the afternoon suddenly got interesting. Within a few minutes he was suited up and armed, down the stairs to the second floor and now crawling through the ducts.

"Ah ha," Clint muttered to himself. He peered through the vent to see Mrs. Yamashita being held at gunpoint. There were five men, dressed in black and armed. Two guarding the door and one watching the back of the leader who was the one aiming the gun at Mrs. Yamashita and the last one was watching the elevator doors.

Clint made a disapproving noise. These idiots. Mrs. Yamashita didn't need this kind of stress. Well, he had to admit she didn't look stressed. Almost bored. He wondered if what she was telling them was true or magnificent bullshit. He crawled through air ducts, looking for a better position.

As he turned the corner, Clint ran straight into someone. By someone he meant a janitor, who was carrying a bucket full of bricks and mop. Why on earth was a janitor in the air vents? What were the bricks for? Clint didn't have time for this. "Hi, could you please move? I need to rescue a civilian."

To his surprise, the janitor merely glared at him. "No."

No?

xXxXx

Kai Yamashita was not having a good day. First off, some blockhead left a mess in the 10th floor bathroom which he had to clean up. Second that damn grease stain on the 2nd floor refused to come out, no matter how many times Kai scrubbed, cleaned and buffered. Third, some idiots just held his wife in gunpoint.

So no, he's not going to let someone else rescue her goddamnit.

"No? Look, I understand you have your job to do. This is probably why you're in the air ducts in the first place. What are the bricks for by the way? And how on earth do you expect to use the mop in here? Nevermind. Listen, I'm a trained agent -"

"I know who you are Agent Barton," Kai interrupted. He shot a glare at the archer. "It's none of your business why I have bricks and a mop. How do you expect to shoot arrows from the vent? Not exactly enough room and you don't seem to have a crossbow."

Clint grinned. He liked this guy! "Doesn't change the fact that I have the training for this kind of stuff."

"Duly noted," Kai remarked. He drilled a hook into the side of the duct and tied a rope around it. Once secured, he gave it a tug to test it. Then he opened up the vent and grabbed a brick. "You can follow if you like then. Feel free to take out the two guards by the front door."

With a flicker of wrist, Kai tossed the brick out of the vent and straight at the leader's head. The idiot didn't even see it coming as he crumpled to the ground, bleeding from his new head injury.

Then Kai jumped down, descending with the rope and armed with the mop. Clint had enough time to let out a whistle before following down with his own grappling hook. The archer made quick work of the idiots guarding the doors, -child's play really- and had enough time to turn around to see Kai take out the guard by the elevator with a serious whack to the head with the mop. The leader and his backup were already unconscious on the floor.

"Wow you're good," Clint said, impressed that a janitor managed to take out three armed men, drop from a twenty foot high ceiling and accurately hit the leader with a brick!

"Thanks honey," Hotaru said, giving Kai a kiss on the cheek.

Kai grumbled. "The amount of attacks has gone up since we came to the new building."

Hotaru just patted him on the shoulder. "Think of it this way, dear. The villains that are actually dangerous don't use the front door. They just go up to the top floors to attack the Avengers."

"Doesn't mean I have to like it!"

The last puzzle piece fell into place for Clint. Two minutes ago he had no idea why on earth a janitor was risking his life to save Mrs. Yamashita. It wasn't every day that someone willing jumped into a potential fire-fight that could end in death. But the rings on the fingers, the pet names and affection, it was suddenly all clear. This was must be Mrs. Yamashita's husband. Clint was definitely impressed.

"I'll call SHIELD and have these guys picked up," Clint said. Best to lock up these bastards where they can't pull something like this again.

Kai looked back at him. "Yeah you do that," he agreed. He then pulled out a roll of duct tape from his pocket.

"What's the duct tape for?" Clint asked, curious.

Kai grinned. "For tying up these idiots."

Ooo! Clint really liked this guy.

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	5. Step 5: The Correct Answer is No Unless

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**

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**Step 5: The Correct Answer is No Unless Convin- Bribed Otherwise.**

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Coulson was the first one to return to the Tower, which was perfect because Coulson the exact person who Clint wanted to talk to. "Coulson!" Clint shouted latching on to his handler the minute the agent walked out of the door.

"It's too earlier for this Barton," Coulson answered with a sigh.

"No listen, I want to recruit someone."

Coulson's heart stopped for a moment. That was never a good phrase to hear from Clint's mouth, ever. But at the same time, if he didn't at least indulge Clint into listening, Clint would never stop. "Alright who?"

"He's a janitor."

"No."

"Hear me out," Clint defended.

"No. The answer is no." Coulson could feel the headache beginning to grow. He didn't want to know where exactly Clint met this... janitor and why.

"No listen, Phil," Clint cut in. "This guy is awesome. Definitely Avengers material. He took down three armed men down in the lobby without even blinking. His wife is awesome by the way. You'll love her. I bet she can bullshit with a straight face to Fury."

"Clint," Coulson started.

"I'm a great judge of character, Phil!" Clint defended. "I was right about Natasha and Thor!"

Coulson had to give him that. "I have proof!" Clint said. "JARVIS did you record this afternoon's robbery?"

"Yes Agent Barton."

"Great! Could you show it to Phil?"

"Of course."

Coulson raised an eyebrow as he watched the five criminals pour into the lobby. "Another attack in the lobby?" he said in disbelief. He had rescued Mrs. Yamashita from an attack three days ago. "How often does the front desk get ambushed like that?"

"This afternoon's attempt was the 239 since sir took over the company and I was installed," JARVIS answered. "Before it was rough average of two attacks a month. But since sir's creation of Iron Man and subsequently events of the Avengers, the attacks have increased to roughly twice a week."

Clint blinked. That was new to him. "Wait, we've been living in the tower for ten months now. Today was the first time you told me about it."

"I could not reach Mr. Yamashita and was unsure if he was already taking care of the issue," JARVIS explained.

Clint whistled again, impressed. "So you're telling me he regularly saves his wife?"

"Yes. 98% of the attacks are resolved by Mr. Yamashita. It is highly probable that Mrs. Yamashita hasn't quit her job like many others based on the fact that she knows her husband will rescue her."

He turned to Coulson. "Can we recruit both of them?" Clint begged.

Coulson watched the video with a careful eye. He had tried to recruit Mrs. Yamashita before, but Tony had said no. On the other hand, Tony didn't say anything about trying to recruit her husband. On the screen, Kai ducked under the gunfire of bullets, before slipping into close range with a powerful jab to the criminal's chest with his elbow. This was followed by a swift uppercut with the palm of his hand. Last, with a great swing with his mop, sent the criminal flying. "JARVIS, what is Mr. Yamashita's first name?" Coulson asked.

"It is Kai, sir," JARVIS answered.

Kai Yamashita. Where had he heard that name before? Then it clicked in Coulson's head and he paled a little. "JARVIS you run background checks on all of the employees yes?"

"Of course. Both Yamashitas' records are clean."

Coulson just paled more because JARVIS sounded amused. That changed everything. "I changed my mind, Clint. You can try and recruit them."

Clint's eyes lit up. "Really? Great!" He wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Without waiting, Clint took off before Coulson changed his mind.

The archer disappeared down the elevator before Coulson could stop him. Not that Coulson was planning to. Because if Coulson's hunch was right, Kai Yamashita would be a great asset to the Avengers and SHIELD. His wife, unflappable as she was, would be a bonus.

… Just how on Earth did Stark get the World's Greatest Ninja to come and work for him?

xXxXx

Attempt: 1

"Kai! Want to join the Avengers?"

"The answer is no, Agent Barton."

xXxXx

Attempt: 4

"Mrs. Yamashita I would like to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative."

"I said no to your recruitment about joining SHIELD a year ago. I don't think you can convince me otherwise, Agent Coulson."

xXxXx

-Ring, Ring-

"Cornet speaking."

"Kit! Look I need -"

"No."

"Wait what! Don't hang up on me Kit! Don-!"

-Ring, Ring-

"Cornet speaking."

"What kind of employee hangs up on their boss?!"

"The answer is still no, Mr. Stark."

"I'll buy you a box of apple turnovers!"

"... I'm listening."

"Good! Okay see I need -"

"Wait is this illegal?"

"..."

"I'll take that as a yes and my answer is still no then."

"Two boxes!"

"Fine... whom am I hacking and what I am I looking for?"

"His name is Kevroc. I just forward you what information I know about him. Dig up everything you can on the bastard okay?"

"JARVIS can't do this why?"

"JARVIS is entertaining the kids."

"... I don't want to know."

"We'll be landing in an hour!"

"I hate you."

"No you don't!"

xXxXx

Attempt: 7

"Mr. Yamashita, it's an honor to meet you."

"Hello Agent Coulson. My wife speaks highly of you."

"I don't suppose I could convince you to join the Avengers can I?"

"Nope."

xXxXx

Seika Usuyuki had a headache. It wasn't a surprise that she had one. More of a surprise that it took this long to form. She opened her drawer, looking for the bottle of aspirin. After popping the pill into her mouth and swallowing, she went back to staring at the paperwork in front of her.

Why on earth did she ever decide to be an accountant?

Captain America had blown up an IT lab two weeks ago. That took $30,000 dollars out of the budget. Yesterday a Doombot crashed through upstairs. The Avengers' living quarters' damage was being footed by SHIELD but the damage to the front garden that was done after tossing the Doombot off the Tower was being handled by Stark Industries. That be another $12,346 dollars out of the budget. Yes the grant for $10,000 dollars can be given to R&D department section Gamma. No, she's not approving the purchase of yet another spectrometer for R&D department section Delta. No to the request for a new PS3 for the staffroom on the 21st floor is denied. There's a perfectly working one on the 20th floor. The following employees were nominated for raises. Seika noted that it was a clear relationship between getting a raise and being Mr. Stark's favorite (and thus dealing with him, the Avengers, SHIELD and the insanity that follows on a daily basis).

It didn't surprise her that the Yamashitas were up for a raise again which would probably make them some of the highest paid employees after Doctor Banner, Mr. Hogan and Miss Potts. Imagine the irony of that. A secretary and a janitor are paid more than your average scientist. Then again, your average scientist didn't regularly get threaten at gunpoint or have to take out armed criminals on a daily basis. The front desk ran so much more smoothly when the Yamashitas were around to maintain the status quo. Damages cost triple every time the Yamashitas took a vacation. Not to mention the year Hotaru ended up taking off when she was pregnant and Kai was taking off weeks at a time to help, Seika feared they were going to have declared bankruptcy. Enough begging (and endless promises of babysitting duty) brought the Yamashitas back to Stark Industries.

In fact the next time someone complained to her about not getting a raise, she will let them take Mrs. Yamashita's position in the front desk and see how long they last. When they're sobbing at the end of the first day, it won't matter because Seika will have filed the paperwork to have the ungrateful idiot fired.

New cleaning supplies were requested. That's another $876 dollars out of the budget. On the bright side, Doctor Banner's new invention was dominating sales. It was currently grossing at over $200 million dollars and expected to continue to flourish. That meant Seika could approve the PR department's request for a dart board (cost $25 dollars) without worrying about breaking the budget. One would figure with a multi-billion corporation, worrying about money should not be that big of a concern. What most people didn't realize is that between the damages the company takes due to supervillains and alien invasions, the funding towards Iron Man, the occasional hospital bills and lawsuits and not to mention just having Mr. Stark as an owner there was plenty of worrying as to where what money was going.

Speaking of Mr. Stark...

"The answer is no," Seika called out, not even looking up from her work as she heard her door open.

To her surprise, the door quickly closed after that. Seika looked up. Strange, normally Mr. Stark didn't take no for an answer. Not without a fight at least.

xXxXx

Bruce knew it. Just because Tony wanted him in the tower and (somehow working for Stark Industries) didn't mean everyone else in the building was happy about it. He didn't think it would be this hard to request for a piece of equipment. Pepper had told him if he ever needed something was to come down to Accounting and ask for Seika Usuyuki. Bruce figured it was worth a shot, but hadn't expected to be told no before even asking.

He sighed and resigned himself to his fate. Perhaps he will just ask Tony to buy him a new oscilloscope when Tony got back from LA.

"Bruce!"

Speak of the devil. "Tony," he greeted.

Tony grinned back at him. "Requesting money to buy new equipment from my iron handed accountant?" he teased.

Bruce grimaced slightly. "Got turned down already."

"What? You clearly didn't defend your case well enough." Tony didn't give Bruce a chance to walk away before pushing Bruce back into Seika's office.

"Seika!" Tony greeted with a cheerful tone.

Still looking down at her papers, Seika didn't miss a beat by responding, "The answer is still no."

"What do you mean, it's still no? I haven't had a chance to ask yet!" Tony whined.

Seika looked up and Bruce can see the flashes of annoyance and amusement in her blue eyes. "You took no as the answer two minutes ago," she replied.

"I just got back," Tony pointed out. "Two minutes ago I was still talking to Pepper."

Seika's eyebrow rose in curiosity. "Then who walked into my office two minutes ago?"

Bruce coughed slightly. "That would be me."

Seika blinked. "Oh. Then my apologizes, Doctor Banner. I was informed that Mr. Stark had returned to the building and since every time after he returns from a trip, the first thing he does is come to my office and makes some outlandish request."

"I do not do that every time!" Tony protested in the background.

Seika ignored her boss. "What can I do for you, Doctor Banner?"

"Oh, well I need a new oscilloscope. Or actually I just need a plug, mines is starting to fray. Too much pulling I suspect and I'm concerned it's a fire hazard," Bruce explained. This was going much easier then he thought.

"Sure." Seika pulled out two forms and handed them to Bruce. "Fill these out and I'll approve of the funding. Give it back to me today and I can make sure it's ordered by today."

"Was that all?" Tony asked. "I could have bought you that Bruce and then you wouldn't have to deal with the paperwork."

Seika threw a paper ball at Tony. "Favoritism Mr. Stark," she corrected.

Bruce winced and Tony looked affronted. "How can you say that, Seika?! You're one of my favorite employees!" Tony protested.

Seika just gave him a deadpan stare. "I know," she said dryly. "But there are idiots who don't seem to understand that being your favorite actually means more work. Next time the Avengers have a fight upstairs, please make sure the Doombot doesn't land on the garden and please inform Mr. Odinson to stop tormenting the employees. R&D department, section Beta wants to ban Agent Barton from their floor after an incident of him firing his nerf bow and arrows. I will confiscate said nerf bow if this continues to repeat. However the PR departments do want him to give them lessons to improve their aim for the next nerf gun war. All because you bought every employee a nerf gun and encourage nerf wars."

"You're just like Coulson," Tony accused.

Seika's lips twitched upward into a smile. "One day I wish to meet this Agent Coulson. I want to swap babysitting tips with him."

"That is actually a terrifying picture to imagine," Bruce quietly remarked. He had been in Ms. Usuyuki's office for a few brief minutes and Bruce had the distinct impression that she had a lot in common with Pepper. That was, while Pepper wrangled Tony and board members, Ms. Usuyuki seemed to be handle the rest of the company. Idea of her meeting Coulson, professional wrangler and supernanny for the Avengers and them discussing tips... terrifying. The idea of all three of them having lunch together, oh Bruce feared that day.

Tony grinned. "So now will you listen to my brilliant plan?"

"No."

"Please?"

"... Will you sign all the papers that need your signatures so that I don't have to find Miss Potts and have her force you to do it?" Seika asked.

"Yes," Tony promised. "And I'll even do the paperwork for this next project."

That was something Seika would bite for. "Alright, I'm listening."

"I want to buy a school."

"What?!"


	6. Step 6: While the correct answer was no,

I own the plunny and the OCs

* * *

**Step 6: While the correct answer was no, sometimes it was easier to just nod and smile.**

* * *

Attempt: 14

"Good morning Mrs. Yamashita."

"Hello Agent Barton."

"Has Coulson talked to you yet about having your husband join the Avengers?"

Smile.

"Is that a yes?"

Smile.

"You're not going to answer me are you?"

Nod.

xXxXx

_'Thank god for Doctor Banner,'_Seika thought to herself. The man recovered faster than she did and managed to ask the one question she was pondering while she attempted to restart her brain.

"A school?" Bruce asked. "Why a school?"

Tony flushed a light red color. "I might... have rescued a bunch of kids in LA who were gonna be used as runners in a drug cartel. I wasn't going to send them back to the orphanage who sold them to the cartel in the first place. So I brought them back with me."

Seika was at a loss of words. Numbers began to flash into her head. Mr. Stark didn't just want a school; he probably wanted an orphanage or at the very least dormitories. Possibly a community center too. That meant she had to find a piece of land or building large enough for that. The budget... oh screw the budget she would need to restructure the entire thing and allocate funds to a separate branch. Someone needed to get in touch with construction companies and state officials. She would need to hire a group of people to maintain and teach at the school, which meant more funds needed to payroll. And... and... no new plan. Nod and smile and redirect Mr. Stark to Ita.

"Well?" Tony asked.

Seika smiled. "Go see Mr. Fujiwara, Mr. Stark."

xXxXx

Attempt 16:

"Mr. Yamashita -!"

"No."

xXxXx

Balloons? Check!

Red Nose? Check!

Gift wrapped? Check!

Ita Fujiwara was going over his mental checklist when suddenly Tony burst into his office.

"I need to talk to you!" Tony blurted out. He was dragging Doctor Banner into the office after him.

Mentally Ita groaned in his head. "Oh god boss," he swore. "What lawsuit am I filing for now? You told me there wouldn't be any more sexual harassment ones!"

"I haven't dated anyone in seven months. That was one time and you knew she was lying through her nose!" Tony immediately protested. There was no love for him in his company. His employees just automatically assume the worst in him. Granted... they were usually right but where was the respect? Tony had stayed away from the dating scene after his amiable breakup with Pepper.

Ita stared at him. "Oh right, that's because you've been pining after Captain America."

Bruce looked at Tony with an expression that said _'Oh really?'_.

Tony on the other hand sputtered out, "I'm not pining after Steve!"

"Keep telling yourself that, boss. The rest of SI thinks otherwise."

"They do?!" What on earth had Tony done to make all of his employees think that he was pining after Steve?!

"Yup."

Okay yeah. No more. The conversation needed to change. "Why are you dressed as a clown?" Tony asked.

Ita looked down at the polka dotted outfit and red shoes that he was wearing. He shrugged. "Seika's brother, Sano, is holding a birthday party for his daughter. I offered to be the clown." He blew up a green balloon and twisted into a dog before handing it off to Bruce. "I went to clown college for a little while."

"Clown college?" Bruce asked. Was there such a thing? He looked at the black haired lawyer, trying to judge if he was joking or not. Bruce couldn't tell. He could be trolling. It was possible. Bruce would have.

"Your fiancée has you wrapped around her little finger," Tony snickered.

"Like how Captain Rogers has you wrapped around his?" Ita shot back.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Tony denied. "I just want a school!"

Ita blinked. "What?"

"A school," Tony stressed. "I want to buy a building and set up a school. Your fiancée told me to see you, but I think that was just her way of throwing me out of her office nicely."

"What kind of school?"

"There's a difference?" Tony asked.

Ita rolled his eyes. "Yes boss. Public? Private? Charter? Boarding? The laws change depending on which one you want."

"Really?"

"Yes boss."

Tony clapped Ita on the back. "Well good luck. I'll let you make the best decision."

He headed toward the door, before Ita grabbed him by the collar of his suit. "You're not going anywhere boss," Ita remarked. "You hired me to sue people, not to set up schools. I don't know anything the laws involving school. Not off the top of my head at least."

"That's why I'm leaving it to you, my best lawyer!"

Ita rolled his eyes. "Your best lawyer is my old man. The only reason why you didn't ask him is because he's on vacation."

Tony shrugged. "Taiyo is planning to retire next month and your promotion has already been approved. That makes you my best lawyer."

Ita blinked, surprised by the news. "Thanks?"

Tony grinned. "Now get to work."

"You're still not going anywhere, boss," Ita said, grabbing Tony's collar again.

Tony sighed and resigned himself. What did his employees often tell him? Just nod and smile. "C'mon Bruce, the sooner we find these laws the sooner those kids can get a safe haven," Tony half begged, half ordered. They would be here all day if it was just Tony and Ita. Having an extra pair of eyes would greatly help. Tony did promise Seika he would do all the paperwork surrounding his project.

Bruce smiled. "Sure thing."

"Any idea of what you want to name the school, boss?" Ita asked.

Tony went silent for a few moments. He thought back to the days of his childhood and remembered. He remembered warm hands, a bright smile and brown eyes stern but light. He remembered the ruffling of hair and the warmth, love, affection and safety.

He didn't have the best childhood or the greatest parents but there was someone who had given him so much back then. Those same feelings, Tony wanted to pass on to those kids. In a quiet voice, Tony answered.

"The Peggy Carter Institution."


	7. Step 7: Fanboying should be done in priv

****I own the OCs and plunny

* * *

**Step 7: Fanboying should be done in private**

* * *

Bruce hesitantly peered into the empty lab. According to Seika, the order for his new oscilloscope had been placed but it would be at least another day for it to arrive at SI. That meant delaying his experiment by 24 hours, something Bruce was hesitant to do since the equations and theories were fresh in his mind.

Seika had given him an amused smile and told him he had two options: stalk the shipping department and wait until it arrived or venture into R&D Department Section Alpha and ask to borrow one.

Bruce hummed in disappointment to see that lab was empty. He had mixed feelings interacting with the rest of the employees of SI. Just because Tony wanted him, just because the Avengers welcomed him as a friend, didn't mean everyone else in the building is happy to have the Hulk living above them. It was why, even though Tony had given him full range of the R&D department floors, Bruce had never sought out his fellow scientists.

It just... felt safer.

The lab was empty with no one in sight; a clear sign that it was simply not meant to be and Bruce should turn around and just wait like a good boy.

"Ahem, who are you?"

So much for escaping without notice.

xXxXx

Doctor Arashi King had a headache. He tapped the wall next to him to reveal a hidden compartment. Inside it was a gun and a bottle of aspirin. Every employee had some hiding place for their stash of aspirin (and optional weapon if you were the paranoid type) throughout the entire building. Several members of the janitorial department made it a game to see how many stashes they could find.

He wandered into his lab just in time to see someone was already there. Arashi's eyes narrowed. "Who are you?"

The man turned around and Arashi's heart jumped. The man standing before him was Doctor Banner. THE Doctor Banner. Inside Arashi's head, he was crying tears of joy. Outside though, he maintained his professionalism.

"Doctor Banner," Arashi corrected. "What can I do for you?"

Bruce gave him a weak smile. One that didn't really reach his eyes, Arashi noted. "I'm looking for a spare oscilloscope," Bruce said.

Arashi danced for joy in his head. Doctor Banner was asking him for a spare oscilloscope! Headache or not, today officially became the best day ever. "Sure. None of my work requires oscilloscopes. So take it for as long as you need it."

Bruce smiled again. "Thank you."

He quickly collected the oscilloscope and left the room.

Once Arashi heard the door shut, he broke out into a victory dance. "I got to meet Doctor Banner," he sang. "I got to meet Doctor Banner!"

Five months ago, Arashi wouldn't have been impressed either way. Oh he appreciated what the Avengers did, but he didn't really care and didn't really have a "favorite". That all changed the day Doctor Banner created portable medical equipment for battlefields and third world countries where electricity was sparse.

Before Arashi came to work at SI, he served in the military as an Army Doctor. He had lost many comrades on the battlefield. Retiring from the army and coming to SI, it had been his goal to fix that problem. The lack of proper medical equipment made saving lives on the field so much harder. Sure Doctor Banner beat him to it, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was someone cared enough to make that dream come true. Frankly, Arashi could have kissed the man.

"I got to meet Doctor Banner!" Arashi continued to chant and dance.

"A fan huh?"

Arashi froze and turned around to see Bruce had entered the lab again. Professional mask snapped back on, but it did little to stop a grin splitting on to his face. No point. "Perhaps," Arashi countered. His grin grew larger as he noticed that that time Bruce's smile did reach his eyes. "I could write essays on why you are awesome Doctor Banner."

_'Exactly those essays do exist. I should probably delete them soon before someone finds them… like Tam,'_Arashi thought to himself. Turning his attention back to Bruce, he smiled. "What can I help you with, Doctor Banner?" Arashi offered.

"You wouldn't happen to know where I can find more pipettes do you?" Bruce asked.

"There should be some here," Arashi said, opening a cabinet. He pulled out an unopened box and disposed on to the oscilloscope. "Ready to crush Section Beta tomorrow, Doctor Banner?"

Bruce tilted his head in confusion. "No?"

Arashi frowned. "Do you know what tomorrow is?"

"The 9th right?"

"Well yes."

"Thank you," Bruce said, switching the subject as quickly as he could. "I'll return these as soon as possible." He didn't understand the reference to crushing Section Beta tomorrow but took it as friendly rivalries between the departments, which were something Bruce wanted to avoid. Drama got his heart racing. Never a good thing.

"Take your time," Arashi reassured.

As Bruce left, Arashi tilted his head to the side in consideration. It seemed Doctor Banner was not aware of the events of tomorrow. That needed to be corrected.

Time left until Nerf War: 18 hours left.


	8. Step 8: First Rule about Nerf War, You d

I own the OCs and plunny.

Sorry for the lack of updates. I got really sick these last couple of weeks D: I hope to return to weekly updates after this. I hope.

* * *

**Step 8: First Rule about Nerf War, You don't talk about Nerf War!**

* * *

On the morning of the 9th, Tony walked into the kitchen. Instead of someone cooking breakfast (Steve's turn Tony's sleepy mind reminded), the team stood gathered in the living room, looking ready to depart. "About time, sleepyhead," Clint teased. He was sitting on the couch, legs draped across Natasha's lap. Steve and Bruce were on the other couch and Thor stood by the large windows. Coulson had long vanished, most likely battling paperwork at SHIELD.

"Good morning Friend Tony!" Thor boomed. "We are planning to depart to find food!"

"We're going out to eat," Natasha translated.

Tony glanced at the clock. "No that's okay," he said. "You guys go ahead."

"You're saying no to food?" Clint asked in disbelief.

"Is something wrong Tony?" Steve questioned, full of concern.

"No there-" The ping of the elevator rang. Tony duck to the ground, shouting "I'm not here!"

The rest of the Avengers turn to look to see a woman with white hair and blue eyes stepping out of the elevator, carrying a large box. "Excuse me, miss," Steve asked, standing up to approach her. "But who are you and how did you get up here?" She wasn't dressed as a SHIELD agent who should be the only other people who could easily gain access to the upper levels of the Tower that didn't live here already.

"Seika Usuyuki. I work in Accounting," Seika introduced herself. "JARVIS let me up."

"Oh, why are you here?" Steve asked. Unless she was here to track Tony, who was hiding under the couch, there was no reason for a SI employee to come to the upper levels. The only person who did that was Pepper but she was practically an honorary Avenger member.

"This box is for Doctor Banner," Seika explained.

Bruce quickly got to his feet. "Oh is that my oscilloscope?" Seika nodded. "You didn't have to bring it up," Bruce said. "I could have gone down to get it myself."

Seika shrugged after handing the box to Bruce. "It's alright. There was something that I need to discuss with you as well."

"Oh?"

Seika nodded. "But first." She took a deep breath and shouted, "BOSS! You still have forty minutes left. Stop hiding!"

Tony's head popped up, over the couch. "I'm not hiding!" he defended.

Seika crossed her arms. "And once again I remind you this was your idea."

"Well it was fun until you made me a target!" Tony shot back. "I can't even shoot back! Pepper hasn't given mines back and forbade me from building another one!"

"I was informed to make sure it relieved stress and I don't know about you, but I find shooting you very stress relieving," Seika defended.

"Shooting?" Steve asked, alarmed. Why are people shooting at Tony? Why would Pepper take away Tony's only defense? WHY WASN'T TONY USING THE ARMOR?!

"Why do you wish to harm Tony?" Thor demanded to know.

"It's a game," Seika explained. She handed an object to Bruce.

Bruce took it and examined it, turning it over in his hands. "This is a nerf gun," he stated. It was a modified nerf gun at least. The weight felt like a real gun and those are definitely not standard issued nerf darts.

"Yes," Seika said with a nod. "Doctor King informed me yesterday that it seemed that no one explained to you the game to you. It's understandable that no one informed you considering the unorthodox method of how you became an SI employee."

"Doctor King?" Bruce interrupted.

"The person you borrowed the oscilloscope from."

"Ah."

"I do not understand," Thor said. "What is this game and what does that toy have to do with it?"

Seika glared at Tony. "Ten years ago, Mr. Stark thought it would be a great idea to gift every single employee a nerf gun. Naturally, if you give a mouse a cookie, things are gonna go shit crazy. It was completely chaos. We had to shut down the building for a week to sort out the mess."

"You're never going to let me live that down are you?" Tony accused.

Seika gave him a leveled stare. "Sir, with all due respect, we had 40 people quit on us by the end of the week. Five of which came from the accounting department as they tried to reconcile the amount money need to cover the damages. Another ten came from the legal department who were swamped by the 197 lawsuits that were being thrown around. The janitorial department went on strike. That doesn't even include the two million dollars paid out for everyone to get mandated teamwork therapy."

Clint whistled. "That bad huh?"

"The entire week is known by the company as 'Nerf Hell'," Seika replied, glaring.

Tony winced. "Okay yeah I remember that. I swear it was good idea!"

"No it wasn't," Seika snapped. "I was in the room when Miss Potts informed you it was a bad idea. Then after it was all done, you let everyone keep the nerf guns!"

"It was a great way for company bonding!" Tony defended. "You can't deny since the rules were set up that company runs more smoothly. There haven't been any major lawsuits within the company, teamwork is at all time high and all disputes between departments get taken out in our mandated teamwork therapy session and nerf wars!" Then he paused and thought about it. "Why are you even concern about this? You don't work in HR!"

"Because you haven't had an a stable HR department, no you haven't a HR person who last longer than a year in the last eleven years and the paperwork keeps ending up on my desk despite my constant informing to everyone that I'm not in charge of it," Seika pointed out.

"Oh... I could transfer you-"

"Don't you dare."

Privately, Bruce thought to himself, he was starting to believe the only reason SI was a functioning company was because Ms. Usuyuki handled the lower level employees and Pepper handled Tony and the board members. Both he knew came from the Accounting department. Interesting. He also might need to test the hypothesis that SI employees are not **normal**.

Tony frowned. "Is this what you meant by being my favorite?"

"_Yes_," Seika said with an exasperated sigh.

"Wait, I thought Lady Pepper was Tony's favorite?" Thor interrupted, a frown of confusion on his face.

"She is," Seika agreed. "Pepper is everyone's favorite. Anyone who messes with Pepper shall... disappear." That was true. Pepper was nearly every employee favorite person in the entire building. Not because she dealt with Tony on a daily basis, but because she dealt with board members on a daily basis. The board members whom 70% of the employees thought were a bunch of idiots, because said board members are constantly pushing for unrealistic deadlines, budget cuts or wanting to return to weapon development. But that was something no one was ever to know about because it'll never leave therapy sessions.

"So," Bruce interrupted, sensing that conversation was beginning to dissolve into something else. "The nerf gun?"

Seika refocused on Bruce. "Oh yes. Sorry. Anyways. Since every employee was given a nerf gun, it was decided to host nerf war tournaments. In the general nutshell, every month, sometimes twice a month if tension is high, there is a companywide nerf war that starts at 9am and ends at closing at 5pm. If you get hit by a dart, you're out for the day. If your department wipes out another department for example if the legal department takes out the PR department, that's 50 points. The department with the most points at the end of the year gets $100,000 dollars for whatever they want to do with their department."

"That sounds like fun!" Clint said, bouncing on his feet. "Can I join?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Before Seika could answer him, the clock struck 9 o'clock and several things happened. First the vent gate fell to the floor. Kai dropped out of the vent, took aim and fired at the unsuspecting Tony who didn't have reflexes to dodge. The instant that dart hit Tony, it exploded spreading a dark blue dust in the air. "Shit!" Tony cursed.

Kai danced. "Sweet! Score for the janitorial department!"

There a sound of glass breaking and suddenly the area around Tony burst into purple dust. It was then followed by arrow that pinned a note to the wall that nicely read 'Fuck you Yamashita'. Kai just stuck his tongue out in the direction the arrow had come from and disappeared back into the air ducts.

Natasha stiffened her laughter as the dust settled to reveal Tony was covered in blue and purple dust from head to toe. "Not a word Romanoff," Tony snapped. "Not a word."

"I should mention that darts when they come in contact with anything, explode into washable edible colored dust. Each department is color coded and is responsible for cleaning anything covered in that dust after the nerf war is done," Seika explained. She took out her clipboard and muttered to herself, "That's 200 points to the janitorial department and 50 points to the shipping department."

"Also, Mr. Stark is an acceptable target. The first person to hit him is awarded 200 points and every hit after that is 50 points. It's one person per hit. He's not allowed to leave the building," Seika explained. Then she took out her own nerf gun and fired it at Tony.

"Et tu Seika!" Tony cried out as a bright yellow dust covered him.

"That's 50 points to the Accounting department," Seika said and checks it off on her clipboard.

"Doctor Banner," JARVIS said. "Doctor King wished for me to inform you that he is waiting on the 39th floor if you want to help take out R&D Department Section Beta."

"Oh thank you, JARVIS," Bruce thanked.

"You're Section Alpha by the way Bruce," Seika said, heading towards the elevator. "Your color is neon green."

"Ms. Usuyuki," JARVIS called out. "The legal department has successfully knocked out R&D Department Section Gamma."

"Thank you JARVIS," Seika said. "That's 50 points to the legal department." She looked at Bruce. "A temporary truce until you reach the 39th floor?"

Bruce smiled. "Sure. Oh wait, but first, this." Bruce fired a dart at Tony.

"Betrayed by my own science bro!" Tony called out in mock hurt as he got coated in a layer of neon green dust.

"It's for the good of company bonding," Bruce joked.

Both he and Seika disappeared into the elevator. As soon as they were gone, Clint turned to Tony and said, "I want to play!"

Tony grabbed a towel from the kitchen and wiped his face. "It's for SI employees only, Barton," Tony pointed out. "That's why Bruce gets to play. He's on payroll."

Natasha frowned. "I was on payroll for awhile. How come I never heard of this?"

Tony looked at her, debating if he should inform her or not. "Because they didn't trust you any further then they could throw you. That and the first rule of nerf war is that you don't talk about nerf war. Unless you're a newbie and your senior is taking pity on you. Usually you learn the rules on the fly. Our version of hazing cause if you can't handle this level of insanity, you're not going to last in long in SI."

"Bruce just got the rules explained to him," Natasha pointed out.

"Because half of the R&D departments have a major crush on him," Tony explained.

"I still want to play!" Clint protested.

"I have a job opening in HR," Tony offered. Clint frowned at the idea of working at HR… working for Tony at all. But at the same time... nerf wars!

"I don't think that would be very fair," Steve said in a disapproving tone. He had no doubt that Clint would be a natural at the game.

Tony shrugged. "It'll shake things up. That reminds me. Since Bruce is playing I better change my bet with the Gamble Club." Section Alpha actually had a chance of scoring in the top three this time around. Arashi was a good shot being a former army man but it just paled in comparison to Kai. Bruce wasn't a necessarily good with a gun, but he did have a Hulk and with some planning Bruce could dominate the whole thing. At the very least, Alpha won't be in the bottom three like they normally are. (What a disgrace that Tony's top R&D section usually failed terribly at nerf wars).

"Gamble Club?" everyone chorused.

Tony waved his hand dismissively as he headed toward the elevators. "It's nothing."

"Where are you going?" Clint asked.

Tony pushed the button for the elevator. "To the lobby. If I stay up here, everyone will find a way to convince JARVIS to let them up here and it'll make a mess that I'm going to have to clean up by myself. At least down in the lobby everyone has to help clean. Besides I owe Hotaru a free shot."

After Tony left, Thor looked at his remaining teammates. "While I think it is an excellent way to bond with shield brothers and sisters, is this another Midgardian tradition I am not aware of?" he asked.

Steve shook his head. "No, at least not one I'm familiar with."

"No it isn't," Natasha said. "It just goes to show you that people who work here are insane."

xXxXx

Attempt: 36

"Mr. Yama-!"

_'POOF!'_

Kai grinned sheepishly. "Oops, sorry about that Agent Coulson. Force of habit."

Coulson sputtered, spitting whatever taste like blueberries that had entered his mouth. He looked down to see that he was covered in this dark blue dust. "What is this?" Coulson asked, already dreading the answer.

Kai smiled. "The reason why people don't sneak up me."

"What?!"

"The answer is still no."

xXxXx

_'POOF!'_

"Thank you Mr. Stark!"

"You're welcome Hotaru. Least I can do."

xXxXx

Tam Black was your everyday average mail lady who worked in the shipping department. Her job involved delivering the packages that arrived in the shipping department to the various other departments. Because of that, she knew SI's entire layout like the back of her hand.

That came in extremely handy when fighting in the nerf war.

Honestly, the nerf wars were the one thing that Tam looked forward to every month. If she was feeling nostalgic, it reminded her of battlefields when all she had was her gun to keep her safe. Just without the whole life and death situations and more chaos and fun. Great for therapy she was finding.

_'POOF!' 'POOF!' 'POOF!'_

There was a small part of her that thought the entire thing was a little unfair. After all how many employees had the background training of an army sniper? (With the exception of Kai, who had to be some sort of ninja. It was infuriating that he managed to beat her to hitting Mr. Stark every single month. It was the only reason why the janitorial department came ahead in the competition nearly every year.)

Tam was never one to boast, but she was a pretty damn good markswoman if she had any say about it. Maybe not "world's greatest" like a certain archer superhero, but she could knock a can off a fence 200 feet away.

So really? The nerf war was child's play.

"That should be another 50 points to the shipping department," Tam said to herself. The entire room was covered in a purple dust. One person had fainted in the corner, after Tam had popped from around the corner. Another tried to run away and managed to trip over a chair and knocked themselves unconscious. The last person just ran straight into the door. R&D department Section Omega had only three people in it, and it was easy targeting. Most of the R&D sections were actually.

If Tam was the type of person to express her feelings, she would be dancing a victory dance. Speaking of victory dances, Tam turned the corner spotted Arashi and Bruce down the hall. Arashi who saw her, paled.

"You wouldn't Tam," he called out.

"Who is she?" Bruce whispered.

"Someone we should have never run into," Arashi answered.

Tam let a grin slip on to her face. "You ask me that every month, Arashi. Of course I would."

"We served together for eight years!"

Tam's grin grew wider. "And?"

Arashi paled further. "Shit! Run Doctor Banner!"

_'POOF! POOF!'_

xXxXx

Veer stalked the hallway, peering around the corner carefully. It was only his third nerf war (the first four didn't count because Kit was a horrible taskmaster and didn't bother explaining anything to him at all. It was only after she realized after the fourth war that he didn't get it that she took pity explained some of the finer rules. It also explained why everyone laughed every time he asked why he was given a nerf gun on the first day of the job.)

Ah ha! He found someone. Veer took aim and _POOF!_ Orange dust exploded everywhere.

"Matt?!" A tomboy-looking girl popped out from the room. She rushed over to check her partner.

"Sorry Chris, looks like I'm out," Matt apologized.

"Don't worry," Chris said. "I'll get him."

Veer felt a shiver go down his spine at Chris's threat. He just realized who exactly he hit. That was Matthew Hays from R&D Section Sigma who had a very protective girlfriend in the form of one Christine 'Chris' Evans.

Veer paled and squeaked before darting away. "Come back here you brat!" Chris roared, chasing after him.

Right, left. Down the stairs! Right! DAMNIT DEADEND!

Veer turned around. Guess his time was up. "Got you know!" Chris cooed.

Veer braced himself for impact. POOF! Veer opened his eyes. He heard the sound of a dart hitting, but didn't feel anything. Chris stood before him covered in orange dust and spluttering.

Looking past the scientist, Veer saw Kit standing behind her. "Boss?" he said, surprised.

"I'll get you next time, Cornet!" Chris vowed with a laugh. Then she turned serious and glared at Veer. "You too newbie."

"Not in your life, Evans," Kit shot back.

"Yeah yeah. The IT department only does a little bit better than the Section Sigma," Chris said with a grin.

Kit snorted. "Please we at least rank in the top twenty departments. That's the problem with having a small department."

Chris laughed. "True. Until like Sigma who's only got five people, you guys have at least 15." She left, in good spirits and waving.

"Boss?" Veer started, after she was gone.

Kit looked at her assistant and patted him on the shoulder. "C'mon. The day isn't nearly after over yet."

"Yes ma'am!"

xXxXx

Clint was determined to join the nerf war. It sounded awesome and why on Earth would Tony keep it from him? All he had to do was to find someone who was out with a nerf gun. Then convince JARVIS to let him play, assignment to whoever's nerf gun department. That should be pretty easy.

He dropped out of the vent and ran straight in Coulson who was covered in dark blue dust. "What happened to you sir?" Clint asked, amused.

"Do you want to explain to me why this entire building seemed to have gone crazy?" Coulson asked.

"Well..." _'POOF! POOF!'_ Clint didn't get a chance to explain before his entire vision became filled with pink dust. He spun around to see who had the balls to hit him.

"Sir," Clint began, turning to look at Coulson who was covered in pink and blue dust. Clint had a growing suspicion he looked just as ridiculous. "Did we just get attacked by a guy in a pink bunny suit?"

"I'm still trying to figure out if this is a nightmare or not," Coulson dryly answered.

xXxXx

Ita hopped down the hallway. Score! He just managed to hit Agent Barton and Agent Coulson!

xXxXx

Steve wasn't worried; just concerned. Bruce was playing the game somewhere in the building. Clint had disappeared into the vents, saying he wanted to join and Tony was downstairs somewhere. Natasha decided she didn't want any part of it and Thor... Thor was content with poptarts for breakfast. So he was just going to check up on them. If Clint had decided to join, well it wouldn't be very fair for the world's greatest marksman to joining.

He was riding the elevator down, before it pinged to a stop. Steve stepped back to make room in the elevator for whoever wanted to go down.

_'POOF! POOF!'_

The elevator was filled with orange dust. "THAT WAS FOR ALPHA!" someone shouted.

The elevator doors closed. It opened again at the lobby and instantly the elevator was filled with red dust.

"Oops, sorry Mr. Rogers," Hotaru apologized.

"It's alright Mrs. Yamashita," Steve said.

Tony snickered as he looked up from the book he had been reading. "I see Kit got you, Captain."

"You're one to talk," Steve shot back. Tony looked like a rainbow, covered head to toe in different colors.

Tony shrugged. "It's usually worse than this. Hotaru is proving to be a very good bodyguard."

"I try," Hotaru said with a smile.

Tony looked at his watch. "And we're down to the last couple minutes anyways. Think Kai and Tam have shot each other yet?"

Hotaru shook her head. "Nah. Last I time I check, they were still at stalemate on the 40th floor."

"And you people do this every month?" Steve asked in disbelief.

"It's a great stress reliever," Hotaru said.

"Three," Tony counted down. Finally the day was over and soon Tony can go back upstairs and shower.

"Two."

"One."

The clocks chimed 5 o'clock.

Time Remaining Until Next Nerf War: 30 days.


	9. Step 9: Red was banned from talking to T

****Finally have a clean bill of health. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

* * *

**Step 9: Red was banned from talking to Thor again**

* * *

Richard 'Red' O'Callaghan grinned to himself to see that he had his own specific rule in the 'How to Survive Being a SI Employee' handbook. It made him extremely giddy.

He thought back to the three days ago when the whole mess had started. You see, Red worked as a test developer for Stark Industries. It was a risky job one where it could end his life but since Red usually pulled off death defying stunts as his side job as a magician, one could say he was a bit of an adrenaline junkie. Not to mention the buzz from the nerf war hadn't really died down yet.

But Section Beta made a hoverboard!

How on earth was Red gonna say no to that?

Red snapped on his red goggles over his eyes and grinned. He revved up the hoverboard and immediately shot off. He had ten glorious seconds of flight, before it spun out of control and Red went flying into the person who walking in the fall. It just so happened that that person was Thor.

Which was a good thing cause Thor caught Red before Red could go slamming into the wall and possibly breaking a few bones.

"Whoa, thanks for the save," Red said. "That was a close one!"

Thor gave him a curious look. "What were you trying to do?" the thunder god asked.

"Flying" Red answered as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

"Indoors?" Thor was fairly confident that flying indoors was looked down upon as it was in Asgard.

Red gave him a cheeky grin. "Not allow to take that nifty device outside yet. Probably a good thing though." He dusted himself off and made a note to tell Section Beta it had a lot of kinks left. "So what can I do you for Thunder God?"

Thor blinked and stared at him.

Red took pity and elaborated his sentence. "You Avengers don't venture down into lower levels of the tower often. So clearly you're looking for someone or something."

"Ah! Yes!" Thor agreed. "I wish buy something from the store. Lady Pepper usually accompanies me there as your Migardians prices and currency are confusing at time. However she away on battle, defeating these monsters everyone refers to as board members." Red stifled his laughter at the thought of Miss Potts battling "board members" who were definitely monsters as Thor explained them. She was damn good at it too.

"So I am seeking out Lady Seika! She seemed to understand the ways of currency and business. I was informed that she was on this floor," Thor explained.

"I see. Well you just missed her," Red explained. "What are planning to buy?" It was almost... strange to see superheroes like Thor doing mundane human things like shopping.

"Poptarts!"

Poptarts? POPTARTS? Oh Red had to see. "How about this, I'll help you buy poptarts from the store," he offered.

Thor frowned. "Are you not busy? I do wish to prevent you from finishing your job."

Red patted Thor on the arm. Damn those were some muscles. "Don't worry about it big guy. I have to run out to buy myself lunch anyways." He tossed the hoverboard and his goggles back into the testing room.

"Alright then," Thor conceded.

"So how many boxes of poptarts do you want to pick up?" Red asked, as they headed down the stairs.

"Sixty Seven!"

Sixty Seven... why on earth would he need sixty seven boxes of poptarts?! "Ooookay," Red said. "As long as you don't turn into a cat and start pooping rainbows, I won't ask."

Thor frowned again. "I do not understand this reference."

Red stared at him. "Wait... seriously?" That needed to be corrected!

Tony stumbled back into the Tower, tired and with a headache. Pepper had dragged him off to board member meetings all day, followed up by god forbid paperwork. Afterwards, Tony stopped by The Peggy Carter Institution to check on the kids there. He was happy to learn they were all flourishing there. The kids were taking to learning like a duck took to water, in a safe environment where the threat of being sold or worse killed didn't loom over their heads. It didn't surprise him to find out that Bruce had stopped by earlier in the week to help paint the dorm rooms into every child's favorite color. When one of the youngest kids shyly handed him a picture of Iron Man she drew, it warmed Tony's heart in more ways he can describe.

All in all, it had been a very tiring day. There was nothing Tony wanted more than a cup of coffee and perhaps a movie.

That was completely thrown out the window as soon as he entered the living room area.

"NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN!"

"Friend Tony!" Thor greeted. "I have learned this wonderful what was it called? A meme!"

Tony just stared. Then he shouted over the music.

"WHO THE HELL INTRODUCE THOR TO NYAN CAT?!"


End file.
